It’s true I have blogged for a while.

It’s true I have blogged for a while. Its been a challenging time, as we all try to adjust to a new life, a much lonelier life, without my without my mom’s bright smile, and her wonderful hello every morning and every night.

And as they say “life is for the living” and so we go on.

Since returning from Detroit in November, I have been going to shul to say cottage as much as possible. and often attend the evening services at Anshe Sholom, an orthodox shul in Chicago. They are very welcoming and always have a chair reserved for me. The rabbi and all of the regulars are so warm. Yet, I still like to be counted as part of the minyan and I like sitting among all of the congregants—men and women alike. That being said, I really prefer going to the conservative services, at Anshe Emet, which is similar to how I was raised.
So, for the last couple of Sunday’s I attended the morning minyan at Anshe Emet. And as fate has it, I met a new friend—Rhea. And I have l earned something about the week’s Torah portion and even more important, I realized something.

Each week the person running the service, gives congregants saying Yorseit, a chance to talk bout their loved one. Last week, we heard a heart warming and historical account of one congregant’s father. A holocaust survivor, he escaped at a young age on the Kinder Express to England. Later, he volunteered to help other orphaned children after the war. And his daughter, upon the death of her mother discovered a journal, documenting some of these experiences. An amazing story!

Another congregant talked of her mother, who became a doctor, in a time when d women did not become doctor. And still another, said, her mother would be surprised that she observed the Yortseit at all.

The one constant, no matter what the story, is the deep love they have for their parent or spouse and the tears that are still shed. In fact, one of the men, said his dad would have been 109 this year, with tears in his eyes. And another woman, in her later seventies or early eighties, cried as she talked about her beloved mother and how she raised 3 children, even as a single mother.

Listening to these stories, brought tears to my eyes, as I thought about how much I miss my mom and how wonderful she was. Lately, I am caught off guard, by this grieving process. But in services, it is all encompassing. I spend most of the service in tears. But last Sunday, listening to these women, I realized it will never go away. Perhaps it will get easier and I will (as I often do) smile when I think of her memories. In fact, I never truly understood the Jewish grieving process until now. A wonderful tradition of community. The Shiva to help you through the first days of loss. Surrounded by friends and family—we easily had 50-100 people everyday. A wonderful tribute to my amazing mom. And a chance to reconnect with old friends and neighbors. And a chance to renew family connections. And then going to services to say Kattish. And it is true, that some like to say Kattish at home, and I have done that on days I can not make it to services. I even have a Sidur in my car for those days that I have to drop off and pickup and cannot make services. But these experiences are not the community, I am longing for. Yet, on Sunday morning, I felt that community come alive. Heartwarming stories, prayers for loved ones, a mishaberech for those who need strength to overcome illness, a short sermon about the week’s Torah portion (a ship of faith –this was a good one and a new perspective on the story of Moses) and new friends. A wonderful tradition of community!

Still more to write. This Sunday, I called my Dad, as I do most mornings. He sounded tired, so I thought I woke him up. He explained that he had been up all night because his leg was in pain. And for those who may remember, he had surgery this summer to repair the knee replacement and drain the infection. In fact, he was in the hospital the same time as my mom. He was on one floor and she on another. And when he went home, she cried. She wanted to leave with him of course.

So, on Sunday, my dad went to the ER and they checked out his leg. And they did not find anything so they sent him home and told him to follow up with his doctor. Only he was still in a great deal of pain. In fact, they told him that he could stay and see the doctor in the morning, but that his insurance would not cover it. So he went home in pain, and knocked himself out on pain medicine—Valadon of course.

In hearing this story and talking to my dad today, I was appalled by our health system and how they treat people. Especially seniors. How do you send someone home in pain? How can we let the insurance companies determine what kind of treatment is appropriate. It is doctors and not insurance companies that should make recommendations for our healthcare. And as for insurance, I can speak from experience, paying hefty premiums and through the roof deductibles and out of pocket costs. Its not wonder, people cant afford insurance and even more the healthcare services they are entitled too.

That’s right. I said “entitled.” Everyone is entitled to good healthcare and it our job as a community to take care of each other. I know many don’t agree with this perspective, but it is important to look at the human side of the issue, not just the balance sheet, the profit and loss statement and stock prices.

So for those of you who are wondering about my Dad. They should have never sent him home. His knee is severely infected and he is in the hospital and has to have surgery to clean out the infection. They will put a temporary knee replacement in and then, once the infection is completely healed he will have another surgery to put the permanent knee replacement in. He is very frustrated by this turn of events. And I do not blame him. This will be the 3rd knee replacement surgery in a year.

So today, he was scheduled for surgery but it was cancelled due to his heart rate being high, which was most likely caused by the infection. So now he is in the hospital on meds for his heart rate and for his infection and waiting for his surgery to be rescheduled. Please say a prayer for my Dad for a speedy recovery. Of all people, he does not deserve this.

Good nite and lots of love.
Ilene

The email I sent to the Rabbi as a follow up to our conversation before the funeral

Dear Rabbi Krakoff

I wanted to write you to tell you more about my mom. I sent the email but I am afraid you did not get it and I did not save this in a word document. So I will start over. I know that I am leaving stuff out. I could go on forever.


First, please check out the following blogs.

mamashirl1.blogspot.com - My last two entries especially


lubellfamily.blogspot.com - Larry (my husband) wrote and excellent article from his perspective


She was my best friend

My mom was so much fun. We would stay up late together. Often before holidays or events and bake together, talk and laugh. No matter what it was, the first person I wanted to call was always my mom. Wether is was a new job, a boyfriend, whatever, my mom was always my most trusted confidant. She was also the only one I could shop with. Everyone would get too frustrated, as I would take 100 things into the dressing room and come out with nothing. In fact, when I got married, my mom, made sure I had a wonderful wardrobe for all of the showers and parties. She patiently shopped with me for that and for even when I got my first job. She proudly told her friends, my daughter wears a suit to work everyday.

My mom was very proud of us.

Speaking of being proud. No one was prouder of me than my mom. She always included me for luncheons, sisterhood events and even took me to convention with her one year. Mandel bread and all. When I was younger, my mom was the proud stage mom taking me to dance class 3-5 days a week. She put on all my makeup before recitals and I was a pain when it came to the eye makeup. I am sure that was not fun for her. Nonetheless, she was by my side for every performance. Even when I tore my opera hose in the middle of the performance.

She was my biggest fan. No matter what. And when it came to singing, she made sure I had a great voice teacher and she used to say "you gotta sing, so someone will hear you." In a lot of ways, she had more confidence in me than I had in myself. She loved when I sang at our family parties, at weddings and even at local piano bars. I loved to sing for her. It gave her so much pleasure.


She was very involved in my life and knew all of my friends and they knew here
My mom knew all my friends in high school, in college and beyond until I moved to Chicago.

In high school, my friends were a part of our family and my parents would ask me if my enterage would be joining us. I loved being with my family so I had the best of both worlds.

In college, my mom got to know many of my friends very well. In fact, my favorite marketing study group (Katie, Chris and Debra) spent many a weekends at our house. My mom cooked for us, waited on us and hung out with us. She loved just having everyone over. It was a lot of fun. My mom always knew my boyfriends too. And when I had a party, she put a spread like no one else along with the Keg. We would play and sing all night and once my mom and dad even played quarters with us.

When I got my first job in advertising, my mom quickly became part of the team. She cooked for client lunches, baked cookies for holiday presents and came to all of our events with a big smile on her face. She became good friends with my boss at the time and again I was lucky to have my family be a part of my work life, She was also very proud of my work. She loved coming to Beach Boys concerts especially.

When I moved to Chicago, my mom was not able to get to know my friends very well. But after meeting Lisbeth (affectionately call Lizzie), she quickly got to know her parents who live here and Lizzie. Same with Julie, who I met in after college, in a Shaarey Zedek, jewish singles collaboration. Julie quickly became like a sister to and always called my mom and dad - "Mom and Pops" I was always sad that my mom did not know my Chicago friends, but when she came to visit, she did get to meet some of them. I know it was not the same though.

I could always count on her and she always had my back

No matter what, my mom always supported me. Besides, driving me to school when I was late (even when her car broke down and she was in her night gown and had to come in to the school to call a tow truck). If I needed something, she always made sure, I got it. And she even acted as a buffer with my Dad a lot. My mom knew everything. I told her everything. And that made us closer.

She always told me what she thought
Wether it was the color or style of my hair, my weight, my outfit. My mom always told me what she thought. And I am thankful for that and practice the same philosophy with my own son.

She is at Peace.

As most of you know, my mom passed away on Wednesday Morning 11/3 around 4am. I was still in Chicago. Her caregiver, Catherine, told me she stopped breathing and then had a small breath, stopped, had another small breath and then was gone. When I got to Chicago on Wednesday, they had already taken her to the funeral home. I was thankful that she died at home and not in a hospital.

Today, I went to visit her. I was nervous because funeral homes always give me the hebegeebees. But Julie (Klein), who is like my sister told me that I should go. And she was right. She went with me and held my hand. I needed someone to hold my hand. When we went in and I saw my mom. I started balling. But then, I told her she could leave me alone with my mom.

And so she did. Its hard to believe that this was the last time I will be alone with my mom. Talk about Finality. So, I told her again, that I loved her. Over and over again. As I always did every time I talked to her and saw her. This past 9 months has been difficult and since June 23rd, after her would be stroke, everything in her quality of life changed and continued to go down hill.

It broke my heart and I knew she was trapped. A prisoner in her own body. So when my dad told me she passed away, I actually felt a sense of relief for her. Now she was free of this body and in a better place with God.

I will miss my mom, every minute of everyday. I will miss her smile, her laugh, talking to her everyday. I will miss holding her hand. I will miss spending time with her. I will miss cooking with her. Baking with her. Going to Florida with her. I will miss making parties with her. I will miss my time with her. Yes, I will miss everything about her. She was the best mom, friend, confidant and grandma and we were lucky to have here. When she walked into a room, her smile lit up the room. And that light will be missing forever.

So I did not say goodbye. I couldn't. It was more like, I'll see you when I see you and in the meantime, you will be my side every second of my life. Guiding me, talking to me and watching over me. My very own angel.

And I promised to take care of my dad, my brother and try to keep our extended family together. No matter where I lived.

There are no words to describe how I feel or how much I will miss my mom. Please god, take care of her. She is one of those rare and wonderful people that deserves only the best.

Mom, I love you.

We are on God's Schedule Now.

My mom came home from the hospital yesterday with Hospice care. And since then, things have gone down hill pretty quickly. In talking to the Hospice nurse, she told me that she estimates 1-2 days. Of course, we don't really know but this is based on my mom's condition and her experience. She assured me that my mom is in no pain. Thankfully.

I will in Detroit tomorrow morning with Larry and Lane. Lane's school is very understanding. Larry has been very supportive.

How do you say goodbye to your best friend, your biggest fan, and the person who always makes you feel safe, no matter how old you are. How do you say goodbye to the woman who gave birth to you and the person who always has your back. The one who spent countless nights up with you as a kid and then countless all-nighters up baking, talking and laughing. How do you say goodbye to the most wonderful woman in the world. The best mom and grandma. Her smile lights up a room, even now, in a hospital bed. Her attitude is so positive and she is loved by all. Over the past four years my mom fought hard, but went on living and enjoying her life. She traveled, spent winters in Florida, baked her fabulous mandel bread and continued to be a part of Sisterhood. She went out with friends and family and never complained.

Nothing I could write, could express how special my mom is. She is my rock. My foundation. I will miss her more than I could ever express in writing.

Please say a prayer for my mom.

Love to all.
Ilene

51 Years Today!!!!!

Its hard to say "Happy Anniversary" today. Its is a wonderful anniversary shared by two people who share really love each other. The kind you just don't see very often. Yet, with Mom coming home from the hospital under the care of Hospice, its hard to say its a "Happy" anniversary. Still 51 years of marriage is definitely something to celebrate.

In fact, according to answers.com, the average marriage lasts 7-10 years. So, lets raise our virtual glass to toast my mom and dad. In the meantime, I apologize for not blogging. Its been a tough couple of months all around. Fortunately, Lane is feeling much better. He finished his first quarter of high school with stellar grades and some new friends. He also finished his cross country season running a 7.5 minute mile (running 2-3 miles at a time). Now onto fencing competition and then track in the spring. And if that is not enough, Lane was voted best new delegate for Model UN. Larry is working hard and I am going back and forth between Detroit and Chicago.

Mom has been in the hospital since October 17th. She went in for a kidney/bladder infection and internal bleeding. In the hospital, she received antibiotics, protonics for her stomach, and a host of other medications. An IV buffet if you will. While the antibiotics took care of the infection, we learned that her cancer spread to her liver. Just another issue to deal with. Then, while in the hospital she developed fluid in her lungs and some swelling in her arms and hands. She had a procedure in the hospital to remove the fluid. Her vitals are now stable and she is home and comfortable.

Catherine, Joan and Bonnie, her amazing caregivers are back at the house and are working closely with Hospice. And my mom is still fighting. And perhaps the one that needs the most support is my Dad. He represents exactly what the rabbi meant when he said "for better or worse." He is the sweetest, most wonderful man I know. Providing my mom with anything she needs, making sure she is home and not at a facility.

Overall, Dad is doing okay. He is holding up, while having to make decisions that impact his life and my mom's life. He is compassionate, loving, and amazing. Steve and I have also been a large part of these decisions, but we are very respectful of my dad and his wishes.

And Steve has also provided my dad and mom with support and comfort and love. It really does take a village to take care of a loved one. I know that this was not what Hillary was referring to. But I believe, it takes a village to take care of one another whether it is taking care of small children, seniors or those too sick to take care of themselves.

In talking to Catherine this evening, mom was tired from the hospital and was resting. She is on soft foods for now, but will hopefully get back to regular meals. I am heading back to Detroit this week and will continue to go back and forth. As I know more, I will try to blog more.

For now I will sign off. Goodnight.
Ilene

September 12, 2010

Mom loves her Lazyboy chair. She is in great spirits. I am going home today but will be back next week. Shana Tova.

September 11, 2010 - Day after Rosh Hashanah

Well, its been a while since I have posted. I will try to do a better job so you all know what is going on. I was in Michigan last weekend for Labor Day for a whirlwind 48 hour trip. My mom was doing okay and prior to the Labor Day holiday she was walking with the physical therapist. I helped her caregivers take care of her. She still has a smile on her face, when she is not tired. She also had a lot of visitors and my mom is very lucky to have such wonderful people in her life. And speaking of wonderful people, her caregivers Catherine and Joan are amazing. They are immensely caring people and take very good care of my mom.

Thanks to all who have called, visited, sent their prayers. You have no idea how much that means to my mom to our family.

I came back to Detroit on Thursday to spend Rosh Hashana. And believe me, it hard to say this is going to be a "sweet" or "happy" new year. All we can hope for is that my mom will grow stronger, so she can receive treatment. I am not unrealistic, but still have to remain positive for my mom and my dad. So really, I am thankful to know my mom is not in pain, is at home and is surrounded people who love her.

It is really day by day as you can imagine. On Thursday when I arrived, I was greeted by a house full of people and a big smile on my mom's face. Although, I am a pretty sure that smile was for her grandson, even though she was happy to see Larry and I. That night, we ordered dinner and carried my mom up to the kitchen for dinner. We all had greek food and enjoyed being with mom and being together.

On Friday, she had a tough day, she was uncomfortable. Restless. And probably a bit over tired from all the excitement. Friday night, my Dad made a special Shabbat Dinner for my mom. We set the table with her favorite China and crystal and had a traditional Friday night dinner. As always, Rabbi Ed, led the prayers and we all joined in. My mom really enjoyed the dinner and Uncle Milt, Marcia and cousin Barbara were there to be a part of our holiday dinner.

Saturday, was a better day, once my mom got some sleep. She again had a lot of visitors from in and out of town, which made her smile. And my dad bought her a very comfy Lazyboy chair (aka. Lazylady Chair), which she seems to be more comfortable sitting and sleeping in. And he picked out the perfect fabric that goes with the rest of the furniture.

Really, that is a small thing, but my Dad has been amazing and is an inspiration to my mom. He holds her hand, kisses her, feeds her and is so wonderful. And while my mom has caregivers around the clock and many many people around her, I feel like my dad needs support too. So Steve and I try hard to be there for him too.

Overall, my mom is not in pain. The sad news is that they cannot treat the cancer now because she it too weak. But she is trying to get stronger and we will continue to encourage her.